Brats
by chaann
Summary: AU - Akatsuki babies basically. They live their lives of rolling on the floor, playing, eating, and even pooping. If you listen closely however, you just might hear what they have to say!
1. Baby food

Deidara giggled as his mother swooped the spoonful of soft food around and around in the air. Watching it go back and forth was simply hilarious no matter how many times she did it. Food wasn't supposed to fly! It never did touch his lips though, instead it went into the other boy seated beside him.

The next spoonful though, that had his name written all over it!

Deidara, Sasori, Deidara, Sasori. They were taking turns when eating so their fussiness didn't overflow. If Deidara saw Sasori eating and knew he had to wait till the whole jar was done... well that simply wouldn't suffice!

Together! They did things together.

"Oh! You boys finished both jars already? Just let me go grab another one."

When the woman turned around and made her way to the fridge, Deidara sighed and gave his friend his attention. "So Danna, what do you think of that last batch?" He asked as he picked up and gummed on the plastic spoon they had been sharing.

The red headed baby responded by grabbing his bib and tasting a blob of the green remnants. "Disgusting." He grumbled, "Did you see the woman? She pretended to taste the food; wouldn't even eat it herself! Mashed pea and spinach - yuck!"

Smacking his lips, Deidara threw the little spoon angrily onto the floor only earning a quick glance from the adult. "The woman? Mommy made it obvious she wants you to call her Aunty." he grunted, offended for his mommy's sake that Sasori was speaking so rudely of her.

"Yeah, she keeps repeating it over and over again." Sasori scoffed, swirling around the green mush between his fingers. "Like one of those parrot-birds. How irritating."

Deidara nodded. "I like my mommy and I do like birds, un."

"Okay babies! New flavour this time, artichoke!"

Both boys sent each other a look. No words needed to he said. Artichoke. Really? Whatever happened to the good ol' days of banana, apples, carrots and berries. Curse those 'mommy and me' circles where the women would discuss new healthy foods.

This stuff was terrible! The bigger question though, what even happened to boobies in the first place? They were still there, they even felt them when they got hugs and snuggles! So why couldn't they still have the boob?

"I miss boobies, un."

"Yeah... Me too."

* * *

hello! welcome to my new foolish series starring the akatsuki members as societies babies. please enjoy their adventures ya buncha losers


	2. Hello jello

"Do you see it, un?"

"Yeah... I see it."

Both boys sat on the kitchen floor; Deidara sitting in a bowl and Sasori with a pan between his legs, more bright and colorful dishes were askew around them. At first the various containers and spoons were the highlight of the wonderfulness of their nonsensical playtime, but soon their eyes were glued the new shiny red thing Sasori's mother had pulled out from the fridge.

It was almost... Alive.

"Did you see it jiggle?" Deidara asked, his jaw still slack in awe.

Sasori nodded slowly, his eyes stuck onto it. "Yeah, it jiggled like my gannies big belly." He mumbled in a trance.

"Whoa... her belly jiggles too? I thought just the skin under her chin and upper arms moved, un." Deidara said, Climbing out of the bowl that his bottom was stuffed into. Carefully and slowly, he got up on his wobbly legs and hobbled over, only to fall and get up again, to then lean against the cabinets. Reaching up, he clawed at the cabinets as he tried to reach upwards to the gloppy pile of wiggly jiggly red.

Sasori chose not to follow and instead thought fondly about his granny. "Yeah... Her hugs are so soft..." He sighed, staring into space dreamily as the trance continued. Granny was pretty great when she was in a good mood.

"They are aren't they. Now...how can I get to that red thing, un?"

The boy could hardly walk an now he thought he could step on his tip toes to get closer? Honestly! Tip toes were for bigger kids. Sheesh.

Getting up with a bit more grace than the blond, waddling to his friend Sasori returned to the floor on his hands and knees, "Get on."

"Good thinking, Danna!" Deidara smiled and he climbed up onto his friend. "This is...ugh...why...you're the Danna!"

Things were looking good. Just a few more inches to go! Which was a understatement because it was a long way still to go for the small babies. The counter tops were always higher than anticipated. Which brings the question; why did mommies and daddies always have to put all the good stuff up there? It wasn't fair!

"Ugh, Deidara you're fat."

Deidara pursed his lips and made a silly sound with them. "Yeah? You're fat too." He spat back, still trying to reach the red. "Mommy says if it wasn't for the fat, I'd be broken or bumpy or lumpy...or...or something."

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand."

Deidara sighed loudly and rested head against the cabinet. "Fat makes babies more safe, un. Especially cause I fall a lot." He rephrased, hoping his friend would better understand. "Mommy says it makes us cuter too."

Sasori finally understood what his friend meant now. Although it didn't help the situation of Deidara being too heavy to have on top of. "Well I say you're too fat so get off." he muttered in a strained voice.

"Okay, gimmie one second to get down, un." Deidara said, crouching down slowly and carefully to get back his balance as well as climb off the baby under him.

Slowly and carefully wasn't good enough to Sasori though, "No, not one second! I'm gonna collapse!" He wailed as his knees and hands throbbed under the weight.

"Ahhh!"

"Augh!"

With a great tumble, both boys were on the floor; Deidara being half on top of Sasori. Just as fast as they fell, it only took a few seconds for them to let the whole wide world know they had fallen.

"Waaaah!" they both cried in unison, almost having a fight to see who could cry the loudest.

Quickly both of their mommies ran back into the kitchen, past the baby gate, to see their babies in a pile on the floor. By the looks of it, it looked like they had been in a fight! With all the pots and pans and everything being used as weapons rather than toys like they had left them with to play with quietly.

They were playing so nicely earlier! What could have made them possibly fight like this?

"Oh no my little sugarbear!" Sasori's Mother cooed as she scooped her baby up into a comforting hug.

"My tiny lovey lumps!" Deidara's Mommy whined as she smooched her wee babies cheek.

Momma Akasuna tickled under her babies chin, "I think now is a good time for the treat."

"Yep! Now is better than later." agreed Momma Iwa.

Putting their boys in their respected highchairs, Sasori's mother turned to the pile of red and scooped a chunk into little bowls. With a small dollop of whipped cream on top, she placed the bowls in front of them.

"I hope you two like the jello!"

The boys stared at it a moment before looking at each other. After all they went through though to get it? Just to get it simply handed to them!? I mean, that fall really hurt! Looking at it again they frowned. To be honest... they didn't really want it anymore.

* * *

one more centered around Sasori and Deidara. next week I introduce the other babs. BYE LOSERS


	3. Gotta work

A mother walked into the daycare, carrying her overly fussy and extremely squirmy little baby boy. Putting him down on the floor near two other boys, she kneeled down, grabbed his face and gave his fat cheek a big, harsh kiss.

"Hidan, you better be a good boy today and play nice with your friends! I don't want a repeat like two days ago. Because of that, I couldn't bring you in yesterday!" She hissed.

Hidan looked up at his mom and frowned deeply. Two days ago was so totally not his fault! That other baby was just a... well he was being a baby! Turning back, he stuck his tongue at the woman who was walking towards the door. As he did that, she turned and sent the baby a stern look.

Like a stern look ever worked on this kid! The only concerning thing was on how she knew when she was getting sassed by her grumpy son. It was like the woman had eyes on the back of her head! Maybe that's why mommies had long hair... to hide them.

"Hello Hidan."

Glancing over at who was talking to him, Hidan smiled and waddled over. "Hey Itachi! Whatcha doin?" he asked, five teeth proudly popping out of his pink gums.

Itachi held up a plastic apple in one hand and a handful of pink play money in the other. "Kakuzu and I are playing grocery store. I'm the customer and he's the cashier." He said as he balanced against a piece of play kitchen furniture, placing the last of his groceries on the counter.

Hidan rolled his eyes, "Of course Kakuzu is the cashier." he laughed, extending his hand to the other boy who was busy scanning Itachi's groceries. "Hey Kuzu, gimmie some money so I can play too!"

"Boop, boop, boop..." halting his scanning, Kakuzu glared up at the younger boy. "I don't just GIVE money away. You want some? Get a job like a real baby. Boop, boop, boop..."

Gasping, Hidan quickly went from one to one hundred just like a couple days ago. Angrily he shrieked as he knocked all the food onto the floor making Itachi gasp and step back in shock.

"My groceries..." Itachi mumbled looking at all his purchases that were strewn across the ground now.

What a mess.

"No fair!" Hidan hissed. "You started off with giving Itachi money!"

"Itachi has a job." Kakuzu sighed. "He builds houses. Nice ones at that."

"Houses?"

Pointing to an area behind them, Hidan followed Kakuzu's little finger and looked at the seven incredibly built block houses. You simply couldn't deny that Itachi was a top notch builder, especially for his age. He must make a lot of money...

Huffing, Hidan focused back on what was before him, anger dropping. "Fine, what job can I do?"

Both Kakuzu and Itachi looked at each other a moment both talking to each other with their eyes. Almost as if they were both saying they neither of them needed help, nor did they just want to give the younger boy any free money. It wad best to get rid of the pest as soon as possible.

"You know..." Itachi finally mumbled, "I think Konan may possibly be hiring."

Ah yes, sick the pest on Konan. That had a nice ring to Itachi's ears.

Speaking of them; ears thoroughly perked, Hidan stepped over the toy foods Itachi was busy picking up and grabbed his arm roughly sending the food back to the floor. "Konan? Huh? What's she doing?" he asked desperately, looking for more information.

Itachi frowned at the action of being grabbed and pulled his arm away, "I think I saw her playing with Deidara and Sasori... You'll just have to ask them for work." he sniffled as the lingering pain stung throughout his arm.

Plus now he had to pick up all those toys again.

"Boop...boop..." Kakuzu said as he resumed scanning some of his pop-up shop's goods. "Well that ought to keep him busy...boop."

Itachi nodded and frowned in Hidan's direction as he hobbled off. Then looking up onto a high shelf on the other side of the room he pursed his lips in frustration and muttered to himself, "Curses. She's going to get it first now."

* * *

i was thinking of fun quirks for the babs to have and have it all out on a list. can't wait to introduce those quirks now! i wonder if slowly you will be able to get them..

this will be continued on in the next chapter. BYE LOSERS


	4. Doll fight

"Sasoriii! You're not playin fair! Share the dolls - share them, share them, share themmm!" cried the little girl known as Konan who was also busy stomping her feet and waving her arms in a tantrum like manner.

The younger boy simply looked over at the girl throwing her little hissy fit with a flutter of his long and dark eyelashes. She honestly had every reason to be angry! He indeed was in fact, not sharing ANY of the dolls. Unlike her, he had a different opinion involving them and was certainly not planning on giving ANY of them up. EVER. Instead he just moved his collection of dolls closer to himself. That should keep them safe from her grubby and unruly hands.

"You snooze, you lose." Sasori sneered as he finished redressing the doll that Konan had the audacity to change. Mitzy didn't wear floral dresses, only polka dots! "You don't play with dolls, you collect them." He scoffed, smoothing out Mitzy's hair that always seemed to get tangled when Konan 'played' with her.

Girls - Sheesh! They never knew how to properly treat the dolls. Dolls weren't made for girl! They were made for him and him ONLY. And besides, changing the dolls clothes takes a lot of effort when you have such short and fat arms...

It's hard enough to use a spoon as it is! Changing the doll clothes took at least thirty minutes to undress them and another to redress.

"Sasori that's mean! I only had a little nap cause the ladies said I had to. Besides, that doesn't mean you can just sneak in and take all the dolls!" Konan continued to whine.

Opposite of them sat a quiet Deidara, toying around with the dress up clothes he had found in the costume bin. Reaching up, he tried to put a little clip in his hair. "Un, un! Konan if you're not busy, can you help me please? My arms are just too short and fat to reach the top of my head." he asked, booty scooting over to his female friend.

Konan and Sasori both looked up at the youngest boy struggle to get dolled up. Dolled up... Doll...

"Okay Sasori! You keep the stinky fake dolls while I get the REAL one." Konan giggled as she ran to the ever so cute and little, well littler, Deidara's side. If she couldn't play with the actual dolls, she'd have to turn the blond into one.

Although Deidara was a lot fatter than those other dolls...

Sasori's jaw dropped at the remark from the girl, the just sneered at the two. Who needed a life-sized totally not real doll anyways! Who does she think she is saying the dolls he has are fake? They're the real ones! Deidara is no doll. Deidara is just another baby.

"A really fat one with a huge butt..." Sasori grumbled quietly, looking away to sulk.

He's had more than enough play dates with the brat to know he's far from being a doll. No. Instead Deidara was generally loud and quite destructive. He didn't however get into fights like another certain baby who had punched him two days ago, but he still always seemed to make a mess.

"Okay! Now just let me put this necklace on you, Dolly-Dei..." Konan giggled as she draped the beaded necklace around his neck. "and we're done! Well Sasori? What do you think!"

"Yeah sure whatev-ER!?" Gasping, Sasori saw roses and sparkles. Now everything had changed. Who, who was this incredible beauty!? Certainly this could not be his tubby little playmate, Deidara! Getting up, he joined the other two, marveling as he looked on. This was something he needed to investigate.

"What's wrooong, Sasori?" Konan giggled as her plan was starting to work. "Don't like your little dolls anymore?" She asked as she fluffed up her human dolls' blond hair.

"Deidara...wow. You made him look so pretty, just a real life dolly..."

Konan smiled smugly at her work. Really, all it was was a pink feather boa, rainbow beaded necklace, a star sticker plastered on his forehead, and a small purple, sparkly clip that went on the little sprig of hair that sat on his head. Any adult would surely get a good laugh at Deidara's new... look.

"Do you wanna trade? The blond for just one doll?" She asked, fluffing out the feather boa now, and straightening out the boy's green and white striped onesie.

Sasori touched his confused and unimpressed friends's rosie cheek, "Yeah sure, but only ONE though and now Deidara has to play with me and me only." he said taking his hand and dragging him along to the pile of dolls.

Protesting with wiggles, Deidara tried to squirm away from his friend. "I don't wanna play dolls, Danna, un! Dress-up, dress-up~"

Shaking his head, Sasori pulled Deidara down into a seated position. "You don't PLAY with dolls, you collect them. You'll be part of my collection... Special edition; Human Doll."

* * *

mostly Konan and Sasori interaction this time. poor Deidara :( Hidan will come by in the next chapter baby.. Don't worry.

ps, it was deidara who lost the fight he wasnt part of. BYE LOSERS


	5. Scammed

"So what are you three dumb babies up to?" Hidan asked his three friends who he could actually clearly see were playing with dolls.

Yuck! What a sissy thing to do. Not to mention a really good reason to punch someone for!

Deidara heard his voice, looked up at him and whimpered; lying on the ground straight as a board. Sasori had lined up all the dolls he had acquired, the blond included. Odd, but not recognizable to any of them, Deidara was roughly the same size as the actual dolls.

If only Deidara wasn't so fat...

"We're p-playing dolls, H-Hidan. What are you doing over here, un?" Deidara sputtered, still sad he wasn't allowed to leave his current position since he'd face his friends' wrath. He'd rather do anything than spend another moment as a 'human doll'.

"Shh!" Sasori quickly hissed, placing his hand over Deidara's mouth and nose, only making his friend squirm and whine more. "Dolls don't talk."

"Unnnn."

Hidan rolled his eyes at the action. It wouldn't be the first time Sasori had done something creepy to someone else. Yet again, another good reason to punch someone. "Well, I'm here because Kakuzu said I need a job if I want money. He said one of you might be able to give me one?" He finally asked, teetering on his toes.

Sasori looked up at the older boy and smacked his lips, "Two human dolls... What if I had two human dolls." he muttered in a tone too dark for a baby of any kind.

Perplexed and now quite concerned, Hidan took a step back and clenched his fist, but still kept his eyes on the small blond amongst the dolls.

"Run Hidan... Run, un." Deidara whispered so quietly you had to be there to read his lips to make sure you heard him right.

Hidan was however ready to punch Sasori again in a heartbeat. Who cares what his mom said! Sometimes you just really needed to punch Sasori.

Shaking his head, Hidan got his mind back on track, "Konan!" he called to the female who was happily playing and taking care of her one doll that Sasori begrudgingly gave up in exchange for personally owning Deidara. "I need a job to make money to play with the other boys, can you give me one?"

Humming, Konan tapped her chin and moved her doll around in her arms in a rough manner making the dolly's hair twist around her head and her dress wrinkle. Sasori scowled bitterly at that sight and gripped at Deidara's arm till he yelped in pain. After he spent all that time making Martha look so enchanting; it was all ruined thanks to this GIRL.

Girls should be banned from playing with dolls if they couldn't treat them with respect!

"Unnn owwie Danna!"

"Shhhhhhhhhh..."

Hidan sent the pair a side glare and stepped aside. There was no way he was working for Sasori - never! Perhaps he would if the redhead wanted another punch; this time however Hidan would aim for the face

Looking about, Konan let out a wicked smile as she caught onto Itachi's nervous wandering eye, "You can be a delivery boy." she finally said, knowing exactly what Itachi was looking at her for.

"Huh?"

"Yes, I'd like to order some flowers." She mentioned, pointing towards a plastic vase filled with silk flowers that were high on a shelf. "I was...fighting with Itachi for them earlier so they got taken away. I want them."

Hidan looked at the flowers and mumbled, "Flowers, flowers, flowers..." so he could hopefully remember his task by the time he got there. Hobbling over, he stood at the bottom of the shelf and pushed it, hoping enough pushing would knock the little plastic vase down. "Hurry up and come... DOWN!"

"Hidan-sweetie!" An older woman called, bouncing over. "Does widdle Honey-Hidan want the pwitty widdle fwowers?"

Scowling at the woman, he grunted and pushed the bookshelf a few more times. Wasn't it obvious what he wanted? Why does she even gotta ask!

"NGH!" He grunted loudly at the woman. "FLOW-UHR-URHHH!"

Laughing, she ruffled his hair. "Well, I did take it away from your little friends... But I guess that's no reason to take it away from you. Besides, I think it's been long enough." She then argued with herself as she grabbed the the vase and moved it from hand to hand while talking.

This was taking far too much of his playtime for his liking. Any baby would get fussy though! Hidan had had enough, grunted and shoved at her leg now instead. All he wanted was the little toy! Not a conversation!

Give it!

"FLOWWW!"

"Okay, okay! Stop shoving." She hissed, handing him the toy. "Just so you know, pushing doesn't always get your way."

Watching the woman glare down at him, Hidan glared back up. "Poop!" he yelled at her turned back before stomping off, tongue poking out as he stormed away as he sent it her way.

Just like his mother, it didn't go unnoticed...

"Watch it young man, and keep that tongue in your mouth!"

Hidan scowled and retracted his little tongue. The ladies here were the worst! How dare they scold him. It did raise the question again; do they also have eyes on the back of their heads?

"Here you go Konan." He said handing her the toy she had so very much desired. "I got it just like you asked. Now can I have some money so I can play store with Kakuzu?"

Taking the flowers from her friend, she smelled them with a smile, a particular smile that was sent towards Itachi who was glaring at her from across the room. Apparently he still wanted those flowers just as much as she had.

Ahh! Victory sure did smell sweet.

"Thank you so much Hidan! But to be honest..." She said slowly getting quieter as she lowered her head. "I don't even have money to give you."

Flaming tears quickly burned in Hidan's eyes. Turning abruptly, he stomped back over to Kakuzu, Konan calling him to wait in the the background.

"Kuzu!" He yelled, kicking the little toy grocery store setup angrily. "I worked for Konan and she doesn't even have any money!"

Kakuzu didn't even look up from his money counting. "Well isn't that a shame." He mumbled as he separated a few bills he would have to give Itachi in exchange for the building repairs his shop would need thanks to Hidan.

"Kuzu! You hafta give me money! You owe me!"

Looking away from his sorting of purchasable goods, the older boy latched onto his toy register that held all the fake money to protect it. "I owe you nothing. It's not my fault you worked for someone who couldn't pay you in the end. You were being stupid and ended up getting scammed."

Furious, Hidan knocked the whole set down before rushing over to now destroy anything that Itachi had managed to build for himself. If he couldn't be happy, no one deserved to be happy.

"Give me the money and nobody gets hurt! This is a robbery!" Hidan screeched, raising a fist at his two friends.

If he couldn't get that money the nice legal way, he would have to get it the harsh and illegal way. Time for a real game changer.

Itachi and Kakuzu both raised their arms as they let the scene in their game play out before them. It was a GAME after all. Kakuzu however wasn't going to let Hidan have too much of his way once he saw the younger boys clear objective; take ALL of the money.

"That's enough, bub." He hissed as he grabbed at Hidan's wrist, "No more. That's all you get in this game."

Growling at his friend, Hidan could only nod as he retracted his hand from the harsh grip from the older boy. He knew Kakuzu quite well concerning his love for money. His so called 'friend' was the son of a banker after all. Of course the baby would love money!

Glancing down into his hand, he stared longingly at the money he had earned from thievery. It was then, Hidan was aiming for a downward spiral of naughtiness.

Well, at least a deeper one. One could only imagine what the baby would be like when he grew up...

"Kuzu, poop! POOP!"

Across the room a woman's shout could be heard, "Hey! Language!"

* * *

this sounds like work. boys mistreating the baby dolls and me screaming language! from across the room when I hear something inappropriate. sigh... BYE LOSERS


	6. Bestfriends

Kisame sat on the floor pushing around his racecars - his most favorite being the blue one that looked like a vicious shark! So cool!

Standing up with much more grace than the other babies, he wandered to one of the short tables and walked it along lengthwise, vrooming away. Kisame was having the most jolly of a good time. Also being one of the older babies, he got away with a lot more rather than Deidara and Hidan for example...who were under the constant watching eyes of the women.

The 'women' being the ones who worked at the toddler care centre. The same women who liked to coo and fawn of Deidara's cuteness; pinching at his excessive fat rolls till he cried, or even keeping a keen eye on Hidan's misbehavior. Kisame got away with a lot more not from being watched as closely.

Guess that's what happens when you're one of the older kids who knows how to walk properly... And is perfect is every single way. Get in trouble? Not this baby! Kisame is the pure child. So ultimately in the end, why would the women need to keep a close eye on him if he never got in trouble in the first place?

"Vwoom." He mumbled as he walked along, driving on all and any furniture and wall that came in his way. "Vwoom, vwoom."

"Hello Kisame, what are you doing?"

Looking up from his car, Kisame smiled at the sight of his little friend, Itachi. "Oh not much, just driving my favorite shark car."

Itachi smiled fondly at Kisame. Such a simple and friendly baby to be pleased with a car. Must be nice to not have a gaping hole in your heart... "You must really love that car don't you; I always see you with it." He said, already knowing his friend well enough to know what the answer is.

"Yup!" Kisame laughed as he held the car up as it did imaginary jumps, an impossible five flips in between his fat fingers before landing back on a solid surface. "Weren't you playing with Kakuzu?" He then asked as he stood on his tip toes to get a better look to the other side of the room.

"I was, but them Hidan came along and decided to absolutely ruin it; so I left to play by myself. Konan is also at fault. Hmph." Itachi explained with his arms crossed still a little bitter about the last situation. "Say, would you mind if I joined you?"

Kisame burst out a wide and rather...toothy smile, one of his main traits that stood out above all the toothless wonders. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a black racecar with flames on it. "Yeah! You can have this one. I know that you like it, so I made sure to grab it this morning."

"Thank you Kisame." Itachi said taking the racecar with both hands. "This was very thoughtful of you."

"It's no problem! I hope it's not too awful of me to assume you would come over to play eventually?" Kisame asked feeling rather embarrassed.

Itachi simply smiled and shook his head. "Of course not Kisame. You are my dearest friend. Playtime with you is always a pleasure. I simply wish you had approached me while I was playing with Kakuzu."

Kisame scratched behind his head monetarily before rolling his racecar on the table top. After a brief moment of silence the older boy pursed his lips, "I didn't want to bother you... Besides from what I saw with Hidan, Kakuzu wasn't giving out money."

"You're never a bother." Itachi giggled as he rolled his racecar by Kisame's. "I would have given you some of my money to play with."

"And not Hidan?"

"Kisame, you're special."

Giggling wildly at the comment, Kisame pulled Itachi in for a hug and held him there until his smaller friend gave up and hugged back. He simply adored his bestfriend and internally he knew his bestfriend adored him all the same.

Their friendship was pure and true.

From across the room however sat Deidara watching with longing look in his eyes. Sitting up he tugged at Sasori's sleeve until he finally got his own bestfriends attention.

"Hug, un?" Deidara asked with his short stumpy arms now spread out wide in attempt to somewhat recreate the scene he had just witnessed.

Sasori responded in his own special way; by pressing the palm of his hand to Deidara's mouth. "Shhh... Dollies don't talk." He said, pushing his human doll back into a lying position with the rest of his collection.

"Unnn..." Deidara simply whined as he glanced over to see Itachi having a wonderful time cooing and giggling with his friend, holding hands and playing racecars. Racecars. Not dollies. Man, was he ever jealous of Itachi's relationship with his bestfriend.

Maybe he could pull Itachi's hair... Yeah, just a little...That ought to get all the jealously out.

* * *

at work there are two lil kindies who can't keep their hugs to themselves. they inspired Itachi and Kisame's friendship of hugs, respect and love. BYE LOSERS.


	7. Banker Bear

Kakuzu glared up from his Banker Bear that his father, an actual banker, brought home from work. Apparently they were handing out freebies like notepads, pens, balloons and even special plush bears. This particular bear, unlike the untasty pens, held a special sort of significance one might not find in a child. For when Kakuzu grew up, he wanted to be a Banker Bear. Who cares about dad. Banker Bear was the coolest!

Back to glaring though.

Today his mom and another one planned a play date. Now, he had had play dates before. Kisame was someone he enjoyed spending time with since he was around the same age and was an overall pleasant baby, Itachi was a good companion too and for some odd reason Hidan found his way over too many times for his liking... Kakuzu blamed their mommies for being too good of friends. Didn't that woman even stop to consider that Hidan was a monster?

But alas, none of those babies were here on today's play date. This was completely new.

"Who does that little brat think he is... Rolling around on my carpet like he owns the place!" Kakuzu growled at the little blond spaced out and cooing happily as he thrashed amongst a couple toys in random excitement. "Deidara is too little; he can hardly walk on his own!" He now hissed.

Growling at the woman seated on the couch reading now, he gurgled at his mother bitterly. This play date was awful! All she did was coo over how cute the new and smaller baby was and all Deidara did was drool and screech. That was what was considered cute? No, was still cute! He just had special responsibilities now - just like Banker Bear!

Yes, Kakuzu was just like his hero, Banker Bear.

Toddling over to Deidara, Kakuzu plopped himself down. Perhaps he could view this play date as experience for the future? How though?

How to deal with blonds?

No.

Find out why drool is so cute apparently?

Ugh, that he'd never understand.

How to get another baby to stop chewing on your toy?

Nah, his mom already said not to hit the other kids.

Then what?

"Oooh! Kakuzu what's that, un?" Deidara squealed in delight as he sat up and reached for Banker Bear right out from a thinking Kakuzu's hands.

Kakuzu saw red when he noticed the bear was no longer in his possession but rather that of a drooly baby who didn't even know what the concept of a pull up was. Yanking his bear back, Kakuzu shrieked when he noticed that unlike his own negligent behavior, Deidara held on with an iron grip.

"No! I just wanna see it a minute, un!"

"No! No! No!"

Kakuzu's mother looked up from her book at the nonsensical shrieking babble coming from Deidara, then the clear crisp cries of 'no' from her own son. Getting off the couch the jumped to the floor and aimed to solve this battle for the bear.

"Whoa whoa whoa! What's going on here?" She asked, trying to sound as calm as possible. "Why all the fighting?"

"Brrr! Brer! Mine-ah!" Kakuzu yelled, getting more and more upset with each and every moment that Deidara held onto his precious toy with a very surprising death grip.

Kakuzu's mother shook her head, "Oh honey, I know you love that bear... But maybe you could, SHARE it for a little bit with Deidara?"

Nostrils flaring, Kakuzu didn't like the sound of that one bit. "NO! MINE-AH! MIIINE!"

The woman huffed and tucked a piece if her brown hair behind her ear. How in the world did she end up with such a greedy baby? If this greediness wasn't nipped in the bud now, who knows what kind of man her only child would grow in to!

"No Kakuzu, we SHAARE."

"NO SHAY." Kakuzu screeched as he raised a mighty little hand an smacked Deidara right on his wee head.

Shocked from the initial hit, Deidara stared wide eyed. He was already confused about why Kakuzu was fighting with his mommy, but what was he... why was he... why was he fighting with him!? Weren't they friends? He just wanted to see the bear!

"Eeeeeyaaah!" Deidara started to cry, face crinkling and turning beet red.

As Kakuzu's mother swooped the sobbing baby into her arms she turned her back to her own son as he shushed the smaller baby. At the moment the upset and screaming baby was the main priority. The last thing she wanted was Deidara's momster chasing her down about a lump on his soft head.

That woman was insane for her baby. How DARE she supply all those healthy alternative meals for Deidara, like she didn't trust HER choices on feeding Deidara! Momster was an understatement.

While being shushed and having his back pat, Deidara peered over the woman's shoulder still whimpering as he stared on at Kakuzu, "W-why did you hit me, un?" He asked in a pathetic voice.

Kakuzu huffed and rolled his eyes, "You just up and took my favorite bear, you're hogging up my floor that I like to roll on and not to mention ALL of my mommy's attention!" he yelled back.

Kakuzu's mother quickly glared back at her angry-gurgling son. She was about done with her son's naughty behaviour. Sure him and Hidan fought, but Hidan was a tough little guy. Deidara on the other hand was a small pile of mush!

Deidara stopped crying, pushed the mom away and was put down. Carefully he crawled over to Kakuzu's side and pulled him in for a hug.

"I get what you mean, un." Deidara sniffed. "Whenever Sasori comes over, all my toys and mommy's attention become his. That's how it works when you have baby play dates."

What? Deidara not be the center of his mothers attention? That's impossible! Even Kakuzu knows that. Of course he had a taste of Deidara's disgusting food once. Maybe she secretly hated Deidara after all and the scary mothering was just a cover up?

Kakuzu crossed his arms, "Well I'm not a baby! I have twelve teeth now! That means I shouldn't be having play dates with someone like you." he snarled.

"Just because I don't have any teeth?"

"You're too young! Too immature! And most importantly of all I don't want you touching my stuff!" Kakuzu hissed, quickly making a dive for his forgotten yet still beloved Banker Bear.

Deidara scowled after being yelled at by his, 'friend'. This guy was such a greedy jerk! Good for him though, he was more than prepared to handle a greedy stinker. He had more than enough practice trying to pry things out of Hidan and even Sasori's hands. And it wasn't fair, they had grips of death that were stronger than his own.

That and Sasori seriously never let go and Hidan punched when things didn't go his way. Ouch. Thank goodness he wasn't on the receiving end of Hidan's punches that often. Something along the lines of; I don't beat on babies that small. Which is strange since Sasori and him were nearly the exact same size and Sasori got punched a little too often. Apparently Hidan didn't know any other way to deal with the little redheaded creep.

"Sorry Kakuzu, but when you have a guest over you must share!" Deidara tutted.

Now Kakuzu was more mad than ever. Nothing could make him more angry than this. "NO! Now you're sounding like my mother! You're not my mother!"

"I have no clue what you two could possibly be talking about, but this is so cute!"

Both boys looked up to see Kakuzu's mother holding up her cellphone, recording them. Of course they didn't know they were being recorded...

"I'm going to make so much money when this video goes viral and make a lot of money! Oh, what if I end up appearing on my favorite daytime show and meet Emma Degeness?"

Kakuzu gasped in horror. How dare this woman hope to take credit and make money off of HIS image? What if he didn't get any of the money? What if she spent it frivolously? That wasn't her money, it was his!

"NOOO!"

Kakuzu dropped Banker Bear and hobbled up onto his two feet and made a mad ungraceful dash for the woman, fist held high. How dare she suggest taking his money!? Even though she said no such thing.

Deidara on the other hand couldn't be more flattered. A video? Like a...movie? About him! What, was he going to be, a superstar!? Brushing his hair back over his should he struck a darling pose and gave his eyelashes a bat, trying to look as adorable as ever. He was bound to become famous eventually in his life, why not start now? Unlike Kakuzu though, who cares about the money? He just wants the fame fame fame!

Reaching foreword after a couple more poses, Deidara reached out for Banker Bear again and looked at the toy. Kakuzu sure loved the thing, even though it wasn't very soft or plush. It was actually rather scratchy and firm.

Maybe he was just being frugal with his choice in toys so one day he would have enough money to buy the best toys? Whatever it was, in Deidara's eyes in wasn't worth it. What was worth it though was when he pulled the bear real close, tilted his fat head and pursed his lips in a cute pout for the still rolling camera. Kakuzu's momma's squeal spoke more than anything.

Maybe being famous and rich wouldn't be so bad at all. Surely a viable career choice for the blond in the future. For now though... Well, let's just say the two boys didn't have a play date for along time.

And no the two did not go viral. Sorry Momma, sorry Deidara. Good luck next play date!

* * *

wow it's been a long time since I updated this. Banker Bear on sale now wherever a greedy baby dreams

BYE LOSERS


	8. Books with cats

Konan grabbed her purple glittery brush and smiled at it before using her other hand to reach for a little butterfly fly. Plopping back down on her bottom from behind her classmate she giggled. She was going to make him so pretty!

Itachi was much easier to doll up rather than Deidara.

Deidara squirmed too much. Deidara complained far too often. Deidara had the shorter hair, though that may be because he's the youngest of the bunch. Deidara had so many opinions on how he wanted to look!

'Really? A _green_ clip? I'm sure the red ribbon would look _much_ better.'

Ugh! Boys!

Itachi though? He just sat there like the perfect model citizen that he was. Did Itachi ever cause a conflict? No. Did Itachi ever hurt anyone at all? Nope. Did Itachi ever complain? Not to her knowledge, no he certainly did not! Well not all the time that is... Instead the boy sat peacefully, holding his favorite picture book filled to the brim with little white kittens.

It was the only way to get a not-so-cranky Itachi. So what if she liked to tease him? That didn't mean he had to be such a big baby about it!

Now Itachi obviously couldn't read, but that wasn't a problem. He instead was smart and would instead tell a story based on what the pictures showed. This one of which was his favorite; yes the one with the kittens. Why, this ones didn't have words in the first place! Just kitten after kitten after kitten; and it was beautiful.

"So what comes next?" Konan asked, running her glittery brush through the locks once more as she leaned over Itachi's shoulder. What those kittens were up to playing in that basket, that's what she needed know!

"Well the little kitten Sasuke looked up to his big brother Itachi and meowed in delight. 'Meow! I think you're the best big brother cat ever! I love playing in the basket with you.' said the Sasuke kitten."

Konan nodded. "I understand that they're playing in the basket..." She mumbled as she studied at the picture. "But I'm not sure why every book that has cats has brothers named Itachi and Sasuke. Are you sure the person who wrote the books wrote them especially for you?"

Itachi scoffed at the notion that he was making this up, "Of course the book has the brothers! The authors are trying to tell my parents they need another baby."

"I think what you mean is you want a baby brother..." Konan grunted as she clued in.

"I one day WILL have a baby brother."

"Oh? And just how do you know your mommy and daddy are going to name him Sasuke?"

"When I meet him, that is what I will call him. Mother and father will have no say in the matter."

Konan furrowed her brows, "Why don't you just play with your cousin?"

"Ew! He's older than me. And I'm getting myself a baby brother no matter what." Itachi said as he glanced at his nails. "One day when I'm tall enough to reach the counter top in the bathroom, all I have to do is tamper with my fathers' little packets of unblown up balloons."

"Unblown up balloons?"

"Yes. I opened one once and he said if I broke it I could cause the risk of mother having another baby..." Itachi glanced upwards with a dreamy expression, "That magical moment changed my life forever."

"So that's your goal huh?"

"It's the only option at this point..." Glancing at the closed book, Itachi frowned. "Speaking of older and ew, why am I playing with you in the first place?" He snapped. Getting up he hobbled away very carefully with his shiny black hair bouncing with each awkward step.

Staring off, Konan held her purple glittery brush and pursed her lips at the baby storm away without showing a lick of manners. Not even a 'thank you'! She'd get her revenge _eventually_ , but still...

"Totally worth it. His hair looks great."


	9. S a l t y

Gazing up to the ceiling, Itachi slowly leaned back onto the pillows behind him and sighed aloud, "Hello friends. My name is Itachi Uchiha and yes, I do see you there. Often I wonder what my life would be like if I were you, then I close my eyes and take a long, deep breath. It is there I see bleakness and unhappiness. Just like my life is now." he said while getting cozy amongst a few plush toys.

"However I see a few of the lucky ones. Yes, you know who you are. It is you lucky ones my heart yearns to be. I can see it!" He yelled, grasping the air above him. "How you don't even know what you have... How you fail to see the pure joy at your side."

Itachi whimpered and clenched at his heart. The feeling of pure agony retching through him.

"And it makes me sick." Itachi snarled in distaste, "Though that may be whatever the women here are forcing Deidara to eat, I had a bite of that once... Why in the world does his mother give him such awful food? Is he a bad baby? The only thing I see are his extra fat rolls." He mumbled, counting and touching his own rolls gently. Like most of the babies who had the unfortunate experience of getting a taste, he didn't want to end up in a similar predicament as the poor fat blond.

"Enough with that, I'm losing focus. I should be back to focus on why I'm monologuing. Yes, there is indeed a reason for all this chatter. What reason you may ask? To bring down all you low lives who take the most precious thing for granted - Being an older sibling. Oh how I yearn for a younger sibling! Alas not just any sibling, I so truly want a baby brother."

Itachi touched his cheek as he let out yet another sigh in distress, "I don't think I will be getting one any time soon thanks to the general language barrier with my parents I have. I try to speak to them but they just don't understand! Instead they babble and say words like a mantra as they wave objects in my face. You understand though. You are the ones that get me!" He cried, arms thrust upwards as he felt a rush of adrenaline course through his baby veins.

The burning desire for a baby brother to love and hold was strong with this one

"Itachi, who are you talking to?" Konan asked, eyes narrowed as she tilted her body away from the odd boy who was talking to himself in an overly dramatic manner.

Glaring over to the older girl, Itachi sneered at her for sneaking up on him, "I wasn't talking to you. You certainly cannot help me in my endeavours." he hissed.

"Endeavours to what? Be a nerd?" Konan chuckled darkly, hoping to tick the other baby off.

And it worked as per usual.

Scowling, Itachi turned his little button nose up in disgust to the girl. "For your information I'm now lamenting my digressions as I was discussing to world my agony of not having a little brother in my life." He sighed, reaching high to the sky as if this 'brother' was waiting for him as an angelic being soon the descend to the earth.

Konan rolled her eyes. Not this baby brother stuff again!

"And what if you one day got a baby sister? What would you do then?"

"..."

The silence continued until a loud wail erupted from Itachi's mouth. A baby sister!? A possible chance of gaining another Konan in his life; how awful! This of course made Konan jump in shock so bad she too started to cry. Itachi was such a drama queen it was excruciating!

Quickly and surely a staff at the nursery came rushing over to the two babies whom had suddenly burst into tears. Sadly she would never know the real reason of the tears of their... fight? Why couldn't these two just get along?

After being put down, both dived for a toy. Itachi was quick to glare at the girl. Just who did she think she was? She was rude, she was mean and she totally had the toy that he wanted! This was a daily occurrence though that seemed to never go away. One minute he would have something, the next she would cry for it and get it. Another minute they would be fighting for something and, of course, she would get it!

What in the world made Konan get every little thing she wanted? Was there something he was doing that resulted in the universe wronging him? Surely it wasn't because he was a bad baby. Far from it! Why, he was a good baby as well! If anything, all and any bad things should be happening to Hidan instead of him. Yes. That baby -

"No Itachi. That's not a nice way to view things. You're a better person than that." He muttered softly to himself as he wiped the ugly thoughts from his mind, only for them to come back as soon as he heard Konan giggle obnoxiously.

Why did he not like the poor girl? No, scratch that. Why did he HATE the poor girl? He hated her because she was a meanie pants who liked to tease him. Sure she picked on a lot of the other babies as well, but he had a delicate heart!

Deidara didn't have a delicate heart, he was just a wuss who made a fuss over everything. Kisame had a delicate heart, but only when others were hurting and Hidan just got angry over everything and anything. Just to name a few of the other babies of course.

Sasori was... was uh...

"Duhhh... Uh..."

"What's wrong Itachi? Brain finally give up on you?" Konan sneered at the younger boy stuck in a lost gaze. Too bad he was still too lost trying to wrap his rather intelligent little mind over what is 'Sasori'.

Back to him though; the far more important Itachi he composed himself. He could have sworn something? Surely it was Konan saying something rude. Oh but what if it was Kisame calling him over to play? One quick glance around and he frowned at the sight.

Growling he gripped tightly at his cloth book and sent the girl yet another snarl as she looked back with a smile plastered on her face as se talked with Kisame. Kisame which is HIS friend. Not hers, HIS. Sometimes he wished that Kisame wouldn't be so nice to everyone and everything. Kisame was and had always been a perfect baby, perfect friend, perfect human... He was an I really great baby.

However, what had Konan taken from Itachi this time? Well he had a plastic teacup and does he have a plastic teacup now? Absolutely not! How was he supposed to enjoy his book without a nice cup of tea? That's just it, he couldn't. She just up and yanked it from his hands and walked off to talk to HIS friend. She was the worst.

"Hey Itachi!"

Glancing up, Itachi saw Deidara with a goofy grin on his face. Itachi could only sigh. To be able to be so simple and oblivious to the horrors of the world. The only thing this baby knew was gross food and what Sasori's arm and hand tasted like.

"Yes Deidara?" Itachi asked, mustering up a crooked smile. "What can I do for you today?"

"I saw Konan take the last teacup from you so I brought you this instead, un!"

Smiling at the sweet gesture, Itachi held out his hand for his gift to where he looked down at what exactly he was given, "Oh... Thanks for the... Salt." He then didn't say much and rather instead glared at the little plastic salt shaker. This wasn't helpful!

Deidara simply giggled it off and dropped to his bum so he could booty scoot back to Sasori to probably gum him a few more times. That didn't involve him though so Itachi growled as he looked back at Konan enjoying some tea from HIS cup. Oh was he ever... he was... Looking down now between his book and salt,

"I think Deidara may have just indirectly insulted you."

Itachi glanced up at Kakuzu who was now beside him and stuck out his bottom lip. Who cares about that stinky Konan and that traitor Kisame; Deidara was the real jerk!

* * *

itachi just wants to drink tea, read, and have a brother to love and snuggle. is that so much to ask? nah he just salty af. Byeeeee loserssss


	10. How did she know

Sasori gave the daycare worker a long stare as she performed her little 'puppet show' for him. The centre had a little theatre where the babies and small children could stuff their hands into the hand puppets, finger puppets, or plain ol use their faces like a bunch of goons.

Sasori had only seen that performed by Hidan and Deidara though as they screamed and squealed, an attempt to make him angry.

This woman though? What a stupid performance! The two hand puppets swayed back and fourth as she sang, "Pooping in the tub is bad bad bad, bad bad bad, bad bad bad. Pooping in the tub is bad bad bad, don't poop in the tub~"

How did she know he pooped in the tub last night!?

Sasori glared around suspiciously as he hadn't told any babies. Especially not his forced bestfriend Deidara. No not him, never. Perhaps it was his mother. She was quite the gossip after all. Perhaps his mother told Deidara's and it went from the mom to the son. As he glared at Deidara giggle with Konan though he could rule that off. Deidara was stupid after all and probably would have approached him.

This though, this was embarrassing hearing the woman sing to him! Thank goodness no one was approaching him to question the reason for a performance about not pooping in the tub.

"Oh dear..."

Sasori frowned as Hidan came crawling over at max speed. Sure Hidan could walk, but his specialty was his demon speed while on all fours. Even the workers had trouble catching him! It seemed only the baby's mom could catch him at a moments notice, whomp him and scold him into an instant bitter obedience.

"Oh... Hello there Hidan." Spoke the worker as she got suspicious as to why Hidan was here. Knowing the two boys relationship, Sasori had a chance of being tackled, hit or even bitten.

"Would you like to watch my special puppet show?"

"No."

Hidan looked at Sasori who had spoken for him. So fast too! It was... It was almost as if Sasori didn't want him to be there!

"Heck yeah I want to be here." Hidan said himself, ignoring what might be considered Sasori's own plea for him to leave.

The employee took the happy squeal as a 'Yes' and prepared her routine yet again. Who knew the performance would be such a hit!

Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Pooping in the tub is bad bad bad, bad bad bad, bad bad bad. Pooping in the tub is bad bad bad, don't poop in the tub~"

Hidan looked on with wide eyes...

How did she know he pooped in the tub last night!?

* * *

lol I'm sorry for this lol. bye losers hahahah


	11. The boob

Kisame swallowed another bite of the food he was given and smiled a toothy grin. This was delicious! Everyone was happily eating something delicious. Or rather... Everyone but Deidara.

Deidara instead scowled at the spoonful of dark greeny-brown organic pea-spinach-lima bean mush that he mother had made last night and left for him today. Of course the workers had to abide by the mother's wishes and feed the baby the horrid stuff. It made no sense though, at this point in his young life, Deidara should still be sent with plenty of breast milk! Instead he got one bottle for nap time. The diet was helping though as the blond was slimming down to a healthy weight for a baby his size and bone density.

Oh but the workers just wanted to give their little fatty cake a yummy treat!  
And not just the workers wanted too...

Kisame almost cried alongside Deidara, giving a small whimper as he watched Deidara finally burst into tears,

"Boooooobies!"

Oh if only Kisame could give Deidara those boobies he so desperately wanted!

The workers gave up and tried the back up food which Deidara promptly took one sad bite out of before crying again. Spinach-Pumpkin-Beet!? Of course Deidara was losing weight! He wasn't eating anything because it was all terrible!

Kisame felt his heart ache on and as he watched on as his friend continue to waste away, day after day, to nothing. How awful!

Finishing up his food quickly, to console Deidara who lay in a circular baby gate, he was first sat on a counter top as a worker swiftly removed his clothes. He ate way to fast for some reason and was now filthy! They would put him in the baby gate with Deidara in his diaper for now and would come back for him with a fresh onesie for nap time which was in a bit. This was taking too long though, finally he was placed in there with the blond and was instantly by the chubby bubby's side.

"Oh Deidara, you look positively malnourished..." Kisame sighed sadly, stroking the chunky monkey's arm with great tenderness.

"Boooooobies, un!"

Kisame's bottom lip jutted out at the sad scene of Deidara's overly frail body jiggling about as he whined in frustration. He wanted to help Deidara, he from the bottom of his heart really truly did!

Looking around he wanted to cry as he saw no way to get his friend a proper snack.

" _Booooooooooooobie_!"

Yes! Deidara wanted a boobie, yes. But where was he going to get one? Oh his heart hurt so bad he couldn't help but clench his chest in sadness.

"Wait."

Deidara whimpered sadly as he stifled his wail, "Un?"

Kisame cupped his little chest, " _I_ have a boobie!"

Sasori smacked his lips happily as a worker carried him now over to join the other two finished babies who had _suspiciously_ gotten quiet... Much to say,

"Why am I not surprised?"

The worker gasped in what could be seen as shock, horror or pure delight as she didn't know weather to rip Deidara's lips off Kisame's nipple or to call someone else over to laugh at it.

Instead she snapped a quick photo to show the parents after she decided it was too funny. After that she would separate them.

Sasori though? Sasori shook his head as he too had been on the feeding end of the blond, "Deidara you fool... Kisame really is too kind for his own good."

* * *

another tragedy lol. Kisame tried his best and in the end stopped Deidara's crying sooo... lol hahahah bye losers


	12. What's my name

Little baby Itachi sucked happily on his toes. Konan was far away annoying some other boy named Yahiko, Kisame was napping peacefully beside him, Deidara was talking Sasori's ear off and there was about ten or so seconds until Hidan would make an attempt at taking down Kakuzu.

"Oh look honey! There is Tachi-chan!"

Itachi lazily looked up from his toe sucking and silently acknowledged his aunt and his older cousin. Cousin... What was his name again?

After putting her baby boy down, the mother gave her nephew a light pinch on the cheek and a smile, "You and Obito play nice today. Bye bye!"

Oh that's right...

"Hello Tibitibito."

The other baby's mouth formed a straight line, "It's _Obito_."

"That's what I said."

"Hey Tobi, un!" Deidara hollered from across the room. "Long time no see!"

"It's _Obito_!" The baby screeched back.

"That's what I said, un!"

Suddenly there was a loud crash catching a large majority of the babies attention. There in the middle of a pile of plastic toys now lie a screaming Hidan after Kakuzu swiftly shoved him over. To be fair, the smaller baby had it coming. Just as Itachi had predicted, Hidab went after his friend and lost the battle in the end. Now what was left was the true colours of the otherwise tough-guy baby. An actual baby.

One of the care workers was quick to removed Hidan from the scene, bouncing him around in an attempt to stop the awful cries. As he was high in the air he spotted something,

"Hey Toboobito! Can you believe this guy just pushed me like that!?"

"It's Obito!" The baby yelled, just about ready to shove Hidan the same way Kakuzu had as soon as possible.

Hidan scowled and yelled right on back, "That's what I said, ya bottle sucker!"

Suddenly with a whine and stir, Kisame wiggled awake, "What's going on? Why is Hidan yelling like that?" He mumbled, spotting his good friend Itachi immediately.

"Oh you know, the same old."

"Right..." Kisame gave a big yawn and looked beside Itachi and his toe admiring, "Oh! Hello there Otibo. Why, I haven't see you in awhile!"

"It's _Obito_!"

Kisame fluttered his tired eyes, "That's what I said?"

Obito snarled. Face contorting in anger. His name wasn't hard to pronounce! He couldn't get mad at Kisame though. Kisame was the nicest baby he knew and he was certain the older boy was simply making a mistake. Still, didn't mean he wasn't going to sit there and fume!

"You know Obitobi, if you keep fussing like that, people will think you're pooping all the time because your face will stay like that."

Obito glared up at the chiming voice of Konan who had hobbled on over with Yahiko.

"It's _Obito_."

"Uh?" Konan snorted, "That's what I said, you dork."

While Obito foamed at the mouth, Yahiko waved politely, "Hey Totobi, nice to see you again. How is your other cousin doing?"

"It's Obito!" The baby seethed. "And Madara is fine. At least he can pronounce my name!"

Yahiko giggled, "But I did pronounce your name? What did I say?"

"Totobi!"

"And?"

"It's _Obito_!"

Konan face palmed, "That's what he said!"

Obito needed to get away from here and these idiots! Rushing away from his friends he made peace with Sasori, Kakuzu and Deidara as they played together in harmony. All three of them generally didn't go out of their way to talk to him. Sure Deidara said his name wrong earlier, but Deidara was the youngest so he was allowed to make mistakes.

Kakuzu was the oldest and smartest so things were bound to be good if his name was ever said.

"Kakuzu! May I play with you guys?"

"Mm, sure." Kakuzu grunted, fondling the play money he had stashed in the chest pocket of his overalls. "Itachi, you be the police and make sure Deidara doesn't lick anything."

Obito froze. Kakuzu called him by the wrong name all together! This guy couldn't even tell the difference between him and his cousin! Ridiculous!

"It's _Obito_! I'm _Obito_!" The baby roared. "Itachi is over there!"

Kakuzu hummed and reached back, smacking Deidara's face away from the neck of a dinosaur, "Right... Sorry Itabito."

Obito shook his little fists in a fit, "Grah! It's Obito!"

"That's what I said." Kakuzu groaned rolling his eyes. That's right. This kid was much more irritating than Itachi.

A few breaths later and a weird look from Deidara, he turned in his place and took a few steps towards Sasori. _This_ was all that was left for today. _This_ was the last chance he'd have for his sanity and unfortunately it all rested in _this_ creepy little babies hands. Oh most certainly yes, Obito knew what Sasori was about, even though they didn't really talk. Why- Obito was sure he and Sasori had actually never even spoken baby to baby! Just hovering around the same group.  
"Hey Sasori, how are you? How's your granny? Is that a new dolly?"

Sasori stared at the other baby with a blank face. With a slightness to it, his eyes did narrow in the end, "Who are you?"

Oh okay. Never mind. So Sasori didn't even know who he was in the first place, no big deal. Wait! This gave Obito a fresh slate! This was the opportunity for someone new to learn his name. This was great!

"My name is Obito!" The baby chirped happily, ready to make a new friend who could actually remember his name. Then there was a thought. "I'm actually surprised you don't remember me... at all. We hang out in the same group all the time-"

Sasori wasn't really paying attention though as he hummed and got right back to playing.

Well Obito had just introduced himself. Surely Sasori would know his name still. "Hey Sasori... Do- do you know my name?"

"..."

"Sasori?" Obito asked.

"..."

" _Sasori_!" Obito yelled!

Sasori slowly looked up from his doll, "Hm?"

Cleaning his throat, Obito tried again, "Do you know my name?"

Sasori stared at the other baby with a blank face. With a slightness to it, his eyes did narrow in the end, "Who are you?"

Rather than not have his name being remembered, even when he just said it. He wasn't remembered altogether when he had just introduced himself.

"Tobi? Why are you crying?" Deidara asked, unpoliced and toy stuffed in his mouth.

Obito looked at the dumb little blond and sniffled loudly. This kid was the only one with an excuse to be dumb. This was actually the one who was consistent with name calling. No various Obitots, Tobtos, Bitoso, Obobbi, Bitobo, Tibi, Tibibto, Itabito, Totobi, Toboobito, Bobito, Otibo and so on. It was always changing! Even being forgotten by that jerk Sasori was terrible! To Deidara though, he was Tobi. Always Tobi.

Tobi smiled at Deidara and embraced the friendly nickname, "I'm okay now Deidara. Thanks for worrying."

"No problem, Tobi."

* * *

this helps with what im using for tobito. his real name is obito and he goes by tobi from now on because he can't run away from being called something wrong. will the name tobi stick with the other babies? idk yet. for now, let us embrace two new babies, tobi and yahiko. byeee losers!


	13. Unhappy group

"Deidara! Must you drool on everything I own?"

Deidara glanced over at Obito and frowned, "Tobi please, can't you see you're causing Danna pain?"

Obito looked up at Deidara, away from his stuffed animal with wide eyes. What was going on? Why was he being talked to? Wasn't Sasori just yelling about something and now Deidara is yelling at him?  
"Huh?" He grunted.

He didn't get a response though. Instead Sasori screeched loudly yet again, yanking his poor dolly away from Deidara. Apparently Deidara couldn't figure it out on his own, figure it out he's the one causing his friend the pain, not Obito.

"You're wrecking her with your spit! Enough already you pig, go away!"

Deidara stared a moment at Sasori before whipping his head around, "You heard him Tobi, beat it!"

Now Obito could only see the back of the fuzzy red head, but he could for sure hear the eye roll that was being produced. This broke Obito's heart! All he wanted to do was to play with Deidara. _He_ didn't mind all the drooling. _He_ thought Deidara was great! Unfortunately the plump blond was glued to the little redheads hip at all times.

If Sasori wanted to hang out with Deidara so much, why did he always have to complain? Yeah sure Obito. Sasori was the one who had to be with Deidara. _Sure_.

"Come on Deidara, let's go build towers with blocks and smash 'em!" Obito quickly suggested, already tugging roughly on the lump.

The lump however remained on his rump. There was no way a wimp like Obito could move Deidara physically; what a joke!  
However... Deidara's eyes did twinkle a little as he heard the suggestion. That _did_ sound like a real blast to be had. Glancing back at his friend who was busy brushing doll hair he frowned, "Sorry Tobi! Y-yeah no thanks I'm here totally having fun playing with... Dolls."

Ew! Deidara could feel the bile rising from his stomach as he said that. Dolls were the worst! So uncool.

Obito frowned and sat back down beside Deidara. Dolls were so boring, and besides! Deidara wasn't even playing with the because Sasori was hogging them all, telling Deidara not to touch them, let alone even breathe on them!

This was all Sasori's fault! Maybe this was the reason he didn't mess with the small baby, he wasn't in the slightest bit pleasant to be around. How in the world did Deidara even put up with him? He practically had to hold that baby's hand through everything in life and give the redhead his every desire like a spoiled brat.

Deidara truly was a god send. Sasori didn't deserve Deidara as a friend. It was like he didn't want Deidara around in the first place! Ridiculous!

There the three sat not talking to each other in the end. Too upset with one another to even attempt a friendly conversation. Sasori was more than pleased with the silence though, not having to resort to zoning out to get his moments peace.

Not too far, Itachi and Kisame sipped their imaginary teas and frowned at the oh so 'friendly' threesome. It truly was an odd sight to behold. Such a sight it was a topic of a mannerly conversation.

"I don't get it Itachi... Sasori blames Deidara who blames Tobi who blames Sasori! It's nothing but a huge mess for them." Kisame spoke shaking his head, not understanding the problem fully. Each baby on their own was quite pleasant yet each brought out the worst in each other. "What an unhappy group."

Itachi nodded to his friends words and chewed on his plastic cake slice a moment before pulling it away with a long spit thread trailing behind, "It's quite simple, my friend."

"Oh?"

"They're all idiots."

Kisame took another sip and shook his head, "Truly an unhappy group."

* * *

I was going to post something else and introduce another baby but i wasn't done fooling around with tobito. at this point deidara and kisame are both going to call obi, tobi. idk what my plan is next for that kids name. hopefully this wasn't too difficult to understand? if it was, think; love/friend triangle but every corner is anger. friendship is hard.. BYE LOSERs


	14. Baby Pageant

Konan's mother brushed her hair, primping and grooming her in an overly decorative extent. The hair needed to look as nice as the dress. Her daughter in general needed to look nice. Her daughter was little princess who was going to become a little queen in just a few days and she needed to make sure her techniques were perfect so that could happen.

To the side watching in amusement was Sasori and his mother. Deidara and his mother there as well with narrowed eyes. As the mothers of son's, this was a new scene for them. They had a inkling as to what they were getting themselves into when they agreed to tag along, but this was ridiculous!

"So it's like... a beauty contest... for babies?" Momma Akasuna spoke up, reaching into a plastic container for an apple slice.

"Yes! The most lovely baby will win a trophy, crown and a lump sum of cash!" Konan's mother gushed as she admired the white dress, "We'll take this one." She then said to the store clerk, deeming the dress on her daughter to be satisfactory for the competition.

"I don't think this is a very good thing to do with children." Deidara's mom mumbled, rotating her son around so he could no longer cut off the circulation in her numbing arm. "Sets a bad example, dontcha you think, eh?"

"It's just for a couple years and I'm giving my daughter confidence! She will own herself and no man will tell her what to do."

"Yeah, but they might get under her skin about her appearance..."

Konan's mother glared at Deidara's. Of course she would think that way! She was a total free spirit, hippy dippy kinda mom. Total lefty. The woman cried for days when it was suggested she stop breastfeeding Deidara. Of course she would have a problem with them.

"You're just jealous you don't have a daughter! Plus what you do have looks like it belongs in a Ghostbusters movie!"

Gasping, Momma Iwa held her son tight, covering his ear from the criticism, "I'll have you know he lost two pounds of his baby fat last week! He may have gained one back, but it's still a work in progress! And my baby is cute!"

Unclasping the dress on her daughter, the mother gave Deidara a side eye, "Jea-lo-sy!"

Sasori and his mother weren't too interested in the argument over how cute their babies were. However that dress hanging up over there? Yes, that white linen with the small purple flowers; that was so cute. So cute, it just made her want a little girl to dress up.

Yes, she wasn't the only one going gaga over the dresses. Sasori was in heaven! He wanted to dress up! He wanted to pick out dresses and put them on Deidara and pick a different one out for Konan. Her mother had just terrible taste if that one was the one she was getting. Way too in-your-face if you ask him! Something more subtle and dainty would look much better.

"Konan that dress is super ugly." Sasori spoke up, leaving his mother to gaze around at the dresses and the other women to natter at one another. "You should wear that dress over there." He said pointing to a different, a couple racks over.

Konan stopped admiring the dress she was wearing and looked at what Sasori was pointing to, "Seriously? Black?"

Sasori nodded, "Of course. Black is very slimming."

She snorted and gestured to Deidara, "Then why isn't Deidara wearing black?"

All three babies focused on what Deidara was wearing. He was clearly not dressed for the occasion as his mother often let him pick out most his own outfits. If he wiggles on up to a onesie, he wore a onesie. If he wanted to wear pants and a sweater of his choice? Then so be it. If he decided to wear leggings and his soft froggy poncho, then he was wearing his froggy poncho today.

Yes, it was frog day by the way.

"Ribbi! Ribbi!"

The three mothers looked at Deidara as he attempted to make frog noises.

"Yes baby boy! Froggy goes ribbit!" His mother gushed. "You're a froggy!"

Sasori snorted, "More like a toad."

"Hmph!"

"Honestly! Your son has no class." Konan's mother groaned, removing the dress from Konan now.

Momma Iwa frowned, "I don't understand, He practically still smells like womb. He's a baby. How can he have class?"

The mothers nattered on and on again getting into another spat. While that was going on, Sasori's mother couldn't just help herself, got up and snagged the dress that she was looking at off the rack and begin putting it on her son.

This was just going to be so cute...

"Ahh! Sasori you're so pretty!"

The rest of the group looked at the small ditzy mother swooning over her precious son in a dress. She wasn't wrong. Sasori did indeed look cute in that dainty little dress. So cute it gave Momma Iwa an idea.

"You go on and on how beautiful your daughter is and how great having one is, I bet you fifty dollars that Sasori could beat Konan in a baby pageant!"

"Make it one hundred, the price of the entry fee, and you're on!"

"Come on Sasori!" Momma Iwa growled, snagging her best friend hand as well as her baby, "We have a pageant to win!"

Sasori's eyes went wide hearing he was entering a beauty contest. He knew he was beautiful, but to go against Konan? That was tough. She was pretty too, plus she could be so mean! Well, that's what Itachi told him at least. He frankly hardly ever spoke to the girl unless she made a great joke about Deidara being terrible.

"Don't worry Danna!" Deidara giggled, reaching for his friend as they were both carried away to another dress rack, "I'm cheering for you all the way."

"I'm not worried."

"I'm here for you, Danna!"

Sasori sighed and gave up as he watched new fancier dresses be pressed against him, "Great. Frog-boy is on my team. _Wonderful_."

-x-

Getting ready for the pageant was easier than both mothers could have ever thought. They weren't even questioned on Sasori's gender when they walked up to sign him up. Apparently the purple onesie was enough convincing.

"What a lovely baby girl!"

Deidara snickered in his mother's arms making Sasori hiss and squirm bitterly back. Deidara was just jealous he wasn't as beautiful as he was! Konan's mother was right, there was no way that blond would ever be good looking.  
"You're going to be a lumpy turd forever..." He hissed under his breath.

Deidara didn't seem to care and enjoyed watching the two mommies take him to the back area where they could primp and prepare Sasori for the pageant.

"It's a good thing Sasori doesn't cry..." His mother said as she attempted to manage her son's unruly red locks. They were so soft and fluffy though, the fact it was so crazy just made him even cuter. "Ugh I love you, Smooshie!"

"Ha! Smooshie! How lame, un!"

Sasori growled angrily at Deidara mocking him. Why did he even have to tag along in the first place? Didn't he have a dad who could watch over him for a couple hours? He wasn't even in the contest!

"I'm sorry sweetie, did I hurt you?" Momma Akasuna asked as she heard her son gurgled and growl.

"No no mother. I'm fine. Just surrounded by idiots."

Putting on Sasori's fancy pageant dress and a floral headband where his fluffy red locks peeped out, both mothers melted at the sight of the baby boy all dressed up.

"Maybe it would be nice to have a daughter..." Momma Akasuna gushed.

Momma Iwa grinned, "Who says you need a daughter? They won't remember this when they're older!"

"Hm, maybe I'll let Sasori have siblings one day..." Momma Akasuna then hummed, fixing his unruly red tufts. "Maybe for his fifth birthday!"

Sasori's eyes went wide. He did _not_ ask for a brother nor a sister! Being forced to hang around Deidara was painful enough. He could just imagine being forced to be with another baby at all times, with all the drooling and the stinking!

"Blucky."

"Hm? What was that, smooshie?"

"Hrnnn."

"Well, let's just hope you're able to keep that birthday promise. We'll never know what will happen in the future..." Momma Iwa sighed.

Sasori gawked, what was going on about his mother not being able to keep a promise? What about the future!?

"Stop being so morbid in front of the babies!" Momma Akasuna pouted, "I'm not dying."

"Dying!?" Sasori gasped, "What's that!"

Deidara shrugged and watched as his friend struggled to get the dress done up, "I don't think this 'dying' thing is your main concern right now..." He then gestured as his mother opened up a blush compact.

Sasori's cheeks were lightly dusted with the blush and his little eyebrows were brushed out in an attempt to make them look less sad shaped. His dark thick eyelashes fluttered as they drew in anyone's gaze towards with light brown eyes. He wore a puffy champagne pageant dress where the outfit was finished with gold flowers on the chest area, glittery off white stockings, gold ballet slippers and topped off with that golden floral crown.

"Sasori..." Deidara gasped, "You look gorgeous! Like a real doll!"

Sasori's mother picked him up and held him in front of the mirror, dancing him side to side letting the ends of the dress bounce about. Deidara was right, he _was_ gorgeous. He _did_ look like a doll.

"Oooh! Who's a happy baby! You're a happy pappy baby!" His mother gushed as she caught Sasori smiling and giggling at his appearance.

"I look so good." Sasori chuckled darkly. "Konan doesn't stand a chance!"

-x-

Baby after baby was either carried by their mother or led along carefully by the finger tips as they waddled across the stage. Each baby wore such sweet little dresses and not a lip in the audience was still as they quivered in delight at the glammed up little babies looking like tiny princesses. Finally the 12-22 age group was up, it was time for the real battle to begin.

"Next! We have little Princess Konan!" The MC called out as he gestured to the entrance side of the stage.

There walking out holding her mothers hand and she walked around with quite a bit of grace for her age was Konan the Professional Princess. Her dress was white, so poofy, so jewel encrusted, and her hair was so well done it brought anyone to shame. Even her little earrings twinkled extra bright!

"What an angel, folks!"

Behind the stage watching, the two other mothers grumbled together nervously, "An angel huh? Well... she is a hairdresser... of course Konan would have beautiful hair."

"Psst, Deidara!" Sasori whispered.

"Psst, Yes Danna?"

"Psst, Do I have beautiful hair?"

"Psst, it's pretty, red, soft and smells good."

"Psst, you're stupid and have bad hair."

"Psst, that's mean and mom said my hair will grow in more later, un."

Konan walked closer to the judges and as her mother extended her hand, her baby gave a little twirl, flashing a sweet little smile. She had done this so many times for so many years that it was a cake walk! Sasori didn't even stand a chance and she knew it! She was the little Princess who was going to get the title of Baby Queen; she knew it!

"Sasori doesn't stand a chance against that!" His mother groaned, fearing for her son. "This was a bad idea!"

"Noooo!"

Both mother looked at Deidara who was sitting on the floor at Sasori's teetering feet. What did they mean his best friend didn't stand a chance against Konan? Did they not see Sasori? He was beautiful! Grabbing onto Sasori's leg, he dragged to boy down with him for a hug weather he wanted to or not.

"That's right Deidara! Sasori can win this!"

"Thank you Princess Konan!" The MC spoke out again into the microphone. "Next up we have little Princess Sasori."

" _Ha!"_

"Shut up, Brat!" Sasori hissed as his mother swooped him into the air and up onto the stage, away from a mocking blond baby.

There while walking up onto the stage, Sasori took a deep breath. He needed to calm down. He was a dolly. A sweet little perfect dolly... his goal for this new experience was perfection, for yes he was truly was a doll.

Putting her son down on the X, Momma Akasuna led her son slowly as he trotted carefully after her. His movements were rigid yet graceful, steps gentle and with care. The key objective was for the baby to smile, of course Sasori didn't smile. Rather he instead used his blank stare that scared all the other babies, yet managed to captivate the judges; those big doe eyes blinking, his round cheeks, and cupid lips.

"What a doll!" Cried the MC, delighted at the sight of the baby. "Ain't she precious folks?"

A doll huh?

Leading her son with even more grace, after that confidence boost he got, she led him like a puppet on strings. It was mesmerizing to watch. Sasori was a natural at this beauty stuff, that's for sure. All this time spent playing with dollies was really paying off!

"Oooh! Go Sasori!" Deidara's mother gushed. "You can do it!"

Down on the floor Deidara was frustrated as he couldn't see and his mother was too distracted to pick him up! He too wanted to see his friend; he wanted to cheer for Sasori! Climbing up the stairs that led onto the stage, his jaw dropped as he saw the moment Sasori let his mothers hand go so he could walk around with grace even more. The stage lights and rosy pink, twinkling back drop made the whole scene glow.

"Danna is so pretty..."

That's was it, he had had enough! Getting up on his two wobbly feet, Deidara ran towards Sasori and booked it. His friend needed him! He needed his friend! He was going to hug Sasori and no one was going to stop him!

"Deidara- no!"

There were the little thumps on the stage and then it happened so fast as Sasori was tackled by Deidara. If this wasn't a normal occurrence, Sasori might have cried from being squished by the fat baby. If it wasn't a normal occurrence, Sasori might have cried from being hugged by the fat baby. If it wasn't a normal occurrence, Sasori might have cried from being slobbered on with kisses from the fat baby. Because it was a normal occurrence, Sasori just huffed it off.

"Dannananana!"

Momma Iwa growled, running up onto the staged she ripped her son off Sasori while Momma Akasuna put hers back on his feet for the judges. She was not wasting her time on the stage.

"Naughty Deidara! Let's go now!"

"Eeeeya!" Deidara screeched reaching and squirming with all his might to be back with Sasori. "Dannananana!"

"Well well, what do we have here?" The MC spoke up, looking to lighten the mood. "Who is this here?" He then put the microphone under Deidara's mother face.

"Um, this is my son Deidara... sorry about this. He just... really likes his friend Sasori."

The crowd aww'd loudly, cheering and cooing at the touching scene.

"Now now, let's not separate this Romeo and Juliette just yet." Spoke The MC again. "Little Deidara... do you love little Princess Sasori?" He asked, putting the microphone to Deidara this time.

 _"Ha!"_ Deidara laughed, still unable to not find that funny.

"Whoooa! Did you hear that!?" The MC laughed as he tried to decipher the baby-code as the Ha sounded like Yeah, "He said yes!"

The crowd erupted into laughter and even more cries of endearment. This was just too cute. Little princesses, little dresses and sweet little itty-bitty baby love!

Deidara's mother and Sasori's mother laughed halfheartedly, looking at the floor or hiding behind their baby.  
Sasori wasn't a real Princess after all, and putting that kind of pressure on a baby? They were hardly a year old! The only thing they should be loving are their mommies and daddies and grannies and Sasori with his fixated love for his dollies.

"I knew this was a bad idea!" Momma Akasuna hissed to her friend, her little face going red in embarrassment.

And yet the MC carried on, "Little Princess Sasori, do you love Little Deidara?"

Sasori gasped in offense at this, " _Little!?_ He's not little; try and have him squish you!"

The MC nodded in excitement at the quick response of baby babble, "Did you hear that? She said yes!"

"Awwww!"

The group walked off the stage with their heads hung low, walking from the back to the seating area in the audience to relax with a glass of water. "Can you believe that? That was so embarrassing! Deidara you naughty boy!" Momma Iwa scolded, wagging her finger at her boy who just put the finger in his mouth.

"Well well ladies, you sure made fools of my only yourselves, but also your boys." Konan's mother spoke up, baby propped on her hip as she approached the group.

"Maybe we did, but- " Again the nattering began among the mommies and the babies were left to talk among themselves.

"Well my mom isn't wrong. Deidara your ruined it." Konan sighed shaking her head.

"Did not!"

"Did too!

"Did not!"

"You know..." Sasori finally spoke up, still admiring his pretty dolly dress. "They technically haven't announced the winners. I still have a good chance."

Konan scoffed at that, "Seriously? That was a train wreck! I've been in enough pageants to know a failure when I see it."

"Yes, it may have looked bad, however did you hear that crowd? I've been near enough adults to know I have them in the palm of my hand when I hear it." Sasori said with his little nose turned up. Patting Deidara on the back he smiled, "Good work."

"That's- that's cheating then!" Konan gasped, fists furled into little balls.

"Konan's gonna lose! Danna is gonna be the winner, un!"

Konan's eyes grew hot with rage and sadness. Reaching foreword she gave Deidara a push and starting bawling her eyes on, only prompting in her mother rushing to remove her from the main audience and their scrutiny.

Deidara was fine with being pushed as he really didn't go far. His round bum gave him enough surface to be unable to knocked over so easily. Still, he would never want to push his luck with any other baby; Hidan and Kakuzu in particular. Kisame could possibly be strong enough, but he would never do that. He's just too kind.

The age group prizes were being announced by the time Konan and her mother came back to sit with her friends. Because even though there was a bet going on, the women were still friends at the end of the day.

Starting off with the smaller prizes, winners by age groups were announced first. Since the competition was for babies in particular rather than children, the age range was one month-five years. When the 12-22 months was announced, neither Sasori nor Konan were called for.

"What's that mean? Did we both lose!?" Momma Akasuka asked nervously, bouncing her boy on her jittery knee.

Konan's mother shook her head, "Not yet, they still have a chance for the big titles! At least... Queen Konan does~"

Deidara and Sasori glared at Konan as she gleamed with pride alongside her mother.

"Don't worry Danna, you'll win for sure."

"I'm not worried."

"I mean you have me by your side."

"I was never worried."

"Of course because of my companionship, you-"

"Deidara shut up."

"Oh-Kay."

"Our Little Baby Runner Up is..."

Konan scoffed, "Maybe your cheater selves will be lucky and get runner up."

"Little Princess, Konan!"

The audience burst into applause and Konan was whisked away by her mother to receive her trophy, crown, sash and cash. Runner up wasn't bad, it wasn't being a Queen though. Still that left the chance Sasori winning anything was even slimmer.

"And now, what you have all been waiting for babies, ladies and gentlemen..."

Momma Iwa gripped the table cloth hard while Momma Akasuna bumped her baby even faster.

"Little Princess, Sasori!"

"Holy "-&u$! we $-&:?! won!" Sasori's mother gasped, jumping up in excitement with Sasori in her arms; freaking out over his mother acting like a complete stranger. Where did his calm, sweet mommy go?

Momma Iwa's jaw dropped as up until this very moment, she never knew the pint size mommy could even swear. This was wild new side to the little brunette!

"I wish I got that on video..."

"Dannanananan!" Deidara gushed in excitement as he watched from the audience as Sasori receive his prestigious award for being so darn pretty. "Dannanananana!"

Looking down at her giddy baby blob, Momma Iwa pursed her lips. "I do wonder why you call Sasori, 'Dannananana'. Why not 'Sasasasasa' at least?"

-x-

The contest ended with the mommies meeting up at Konan's house. Konan's mother handed over the bet money which Sasori's mother got to keep to pay for her son's entry fee. Sasori got the awarded lump sum of cash for his college fund and Deidara slobbered happily on the shiny trophy. Konan cried for awhile, especially when she was denied the ability to take Sasori's giant crown.

"And we will never tell our husbands." Momma Akasuna then said as she undressed her son from his beautiful dress because he refused to take it off before they left the pageant. "Mom would somehow find out and hate me forever for putting her only grandchild in a dress."

"Chiyo will get more grand kids eventually... once your weird little brother finally gets married!"  
The women then laughed together and snacked on their bowls of ice cream.

In their high chairs, Sasori happily sucked back a bottle of freshly pumped milk and chewed on his mesh bag filled with berries. Konan likewise enjoyed a similar meal. Deidara whined sadly as he watched everyone in the room eat snacks, even his mother. Here he sat eating vegetable mush...

"Oh baby, while the other girls were pumping, they got you a treat." Deidara looked up to his mother and saw stars as there in her hands was a bottle of his very own!

"It's a gift from Aunty for helping Sasori." She whispered to her son, kissing his chubby cheek. "Good boy!"

"I'm officially retiring from the beauty pageants." Sasori said, putting his nearly done bottle down. "I'm just to pretty for this life style and I don't think I can handle Deidara tackling me like that in public. He's an embarrassment to all baby kind."

"Yes, but you and Deidara _love_ each other. You are Deidara's...little Princess!"

"No!"

"Yes~"

"No!"

"Yes~"

Deidara didn't focus on the arguing babies. Instead he happily drank the sweet gift of delicious milk from Sasori's mother for helping him win over the judges with their act of baby-love. Sure Sasori was a good friend and he looked up to the older boy, but if there was one thing he loved more than Sasori it was,  
"Mm, I _love_ boobies."

* * *

I personally don't like child pageants, but I thought this was a silly idea. Sasori is def the cutest baby. this chapter gives the approx. for most of the babies ages. maybe that will help with any visualization?  
this chapter was very parent heavy and no it won't happen that often. Other parents may show up in future chapters, but there will be little details and they will never have names.

As for the ending, Deidara was weaned and his mother stopped producing. a future chapter will go further into this  
BYE LOSERSSS


	15. Valentine?

"Oh... thank you!" Replied Mama Uchiha, after her son Itachi was handed a little treat on a stick by a blond baby.

"They are organic, wholesome good for babies ten months and up, and homemade!" Mama Iwa gushed over her treats, admiring her son's good work in getting them out there to the rest of the baby public. Pointing at the wrapper she got even giddier. "The wrapper is made of bees wax! It's durable, reusable and so much better for the environment than the leading store cling wrap!"

Mama Uchiha looked the treat over before unwrapping the wax covering and handing her son the treat, "...is that so..." she laughed halfheartedly, "I take it...you made it yourself as well?"

"You bet, eh!" Putting her baby down, Mama Iwa put two treats from her collection in each of his hands, looking into his eyes, "Now listen sweetie, I only made some of these so you have to give them to only your best of friends, ok?"

"Un."

Best of friends? Why! He knew exactly where he was going first. Doing a little bit of walking a booty scooting, Deidara found his first target immediately. He already knew where to find the boy, it wasn't like he really ever played anywhere else unless he was at a coloring table or puppet theatre.

"Dannananana!"

"Hrmpff..." Sasori groaned, looking up in disinterest. Still, he did the action of feigning interest anyway, knowing fully well that if he didn't he wouldn't hear the end of it. "What- What is that?" He asked immediately noticing the object in his friends hand.

"A Valentine's gift from me to you!"

"A what?"

"Valentines, un!"

"What's that?"

"A Valentine?"

"And what is a Valentine?"

Thinking carefully on how his mother worded it, "You're my valentine!"

"I'm your what?"

"Valentine, un!"

"What is that?

"A... you..."

"You don't know, do you?"

"Yeah! Uh... no."

Taking the gift, Sasori picked at the covering and scoffed, "I'll take it, but I won't be your valentine."

"Okay!" A few steps away Deidara turned back with a smile, "you're totally a valentine still."

"Hmph!"

Away from Sasori, Deidara spotted his next victim quickly. Making his way over he gave the baby the treat, "Happy Valentines!"

A peculiar looking baby, but adorable nonetheless, and one of the older ones, Zetsu looked up at Deidara with a wide smile, "Thank you! I love your mom's treats!" he gushed diving right into the treat, waxy paper and all until he realized it had to come off. After that, it was much tastier.

"You're so lucky, you can eat anything!" Deidara gushed, noting how the baby could even stomach even the nastiest green mushes, "You're welcome though! Thank you for being my valentine!"

Back to his mother to get to more treats for each hand before heading to a group he spotted while talking to Zetsu, he spotted someone else as a possible next Valentine who was currently having their plush coat removed,  
"Hiya Konan! Welcome!"

"Hello Deidara."

"Happy Valentine's Day!" and he handed her a treat which she happily accepted. It was really cute! Of course she wanted cute things.

"Oh dear lord... not your weird treats again..." Konan's mother groaned as she watched her friend's son hand her daughter the heart shaped treat on a stick. Knowing the little blonds mother, it was okay for her daughter to eat so she had no worries.

"This time it comes with reusable wax paper for you to keep!" Deidara's mother chimed proudly.

"Not that I asked. However let me guess..." Konan's mother hummed while applying a new coat of lipstick with a little compact in hand, "you made it yourself and it's all good for the environment?"

"You betcha, eh!"

Deidara's mother filled the empty hand with one more treat and Deidara was off again to the friends he spotted earlier. Konan was right on his heels, tripping only twice because she was so focused on the treat in her hand. There the two ran to their friend Yahiko who was already playing with Itachi and Kisame.

"Here you go Yahiko! Here you go Kisame!"

Kisame took the gift without question and picked at it until the reusable was paper popped off, leaving a healthy treat behind to gum and chew at. He knew it would be okay if Itachi was eating it. In fact, after he heard that Itachi got it from Deidara, he kinda was already expecting one of his own. Deidara was such a nice baby. Friends were so nice to have.

Yahiko looked his treat over and hummed, not as easily persuaded as Kisame since he clearly remembered the weird thing Deidara had said to him, "What's a valentine?"

Oh! Not this again!

Rolling his eyes, Deidara had been through this enough to recall the embarrassing and annoying situation with Sasori. "You. You are my Valentine."

Konan's jaw dropped. _You_ as in Yahiko? _My_ as in Deidara? _Valentine_ as in something new that she didn't know the meaning to? Whatever it was- she didn't like it! Yahiko was HER best friend, NOT Deidara's. If anything, Yahiko should have been HER valentine and NOT Deidara's!

Konan being the possessive little Princess she was, made her grand gesture of putting Deidara right in his place. Standing up, she got right in his fat face and pushed the tubby blond right onto his back; making him scream like the world was over. To be fair it was quite the unpleasant fall so at the moment his world was over.

One of the workers got to the boy before his mother could and there was an all out effort to quiet him before the other children got upset. While he cried, he garnered the attention of Kakuzu and Hidan whom were teetering at the women's feet as Deidara cried and cried.

As he cried, he grabbed a treat from his mother and held out a treat to the boy's on the floor where his mother got the memo. She knew her son was already friends with them, of course they would be some of the babies getting special valentines from her baby.

So while he cried, his friends got the treats, "Waaaagh! you're m-my Valentines- waaaaah!"

After crying for a good hot minute, Deidara's mother put her son down and handed him the last treat to give away, "Alright sunshine, there was a minor blip in the gift giving that...frankly took a little too long..." she kissed his cheek, "so you take this and give it away to your laaast valentine while mummy goes to work, okay?"

"Unnnn."

Leaving her son behind, Deidara felt positively drained. All this valentine stuff was so exhausting! What a day! Whatever this all was, it had better not be a yearly occurrence. All he needed was a bit more energy. Something nice to make him feel better...  
He eyed the treat in his hand. He WAS supposed to give it away, yes. But he did have one already this morning; he was well aware they were tasty! Surely it would be okay if _he_ ate the last one. He couldn't think of any other friends. Besides, he _really_ needed it. No one would mind if he did a little comfort eating, right? No one.

Tobi rushed around the corner, ready to see what the hub-bub was all about with Deidara while he was gone- as he had easily recognized that cry. Why was he gone in the first place? Well, he had a little breakfast earlier and had managed to make a massive mess of himself so while getting cleaned up he missed everything!

Seeing Sasori, his eyes went wide as he saw the little lips wrapped around a treat.

"Where did you get that!?"

"Deidara. I'm his Valentine." Sasori scoffed again, nose pointed upwards with a sticky face.

Tobi wanted one! He wanted to be a valentine like Sasori! If it involves his friend Deidara he just had to partake. Anything Sasori could be for Deidara, he could be better.

As he continued his look for the blond, Tobi spotted a sticky Hidan and Kakuzu snacking on their own treats.  
"Where did you get that!?"

"Deidara." Kakuzu grunted.

Hidan chewed a couple times loudly, pulling the treat on a stick away from his lips with saliva dripping everywhere, "He said we were his valentines!"

"You guys too!?"

Oh now, this was bad. The race was on now to get to the bottom of the Valentine stuff. Running and falling over and over, he spotted a large group of babies; Konan, Yahiko, Itachi and Kisame... all of them eating the treats!

"Where..." Tobi panted, "Where did you get those!?"

"Hey Tobit! We got them from Deidara!" Kisame chirped happily, making it known how tasty the treat was with yummy hums. "Mmmm!"

Itachi too took an attempted big bite, nodding along with his dear friend, "Hm, Yes."

Yahiko held his up and then brought it back to his mouth, the attempt to even speak was there but he was too busy eating. Instead Konan spoke up about the treats in general,  
"He said we were his valentines too."

The run was on again until Tobi fell to his knees at the next sight of his dear friend, "Zetsu! Not you too!"

"What?"

"What is that!?"

Zetsu looked into his hands where his friend was gesturing, "It's a treat from Deidara! He said I was his Valentine."

"Noooo!" Tobi wailed, "Where is Deidara!?"

"Why, he's right over there in the corner relaxing. He had quite the crying fit after Konan pushed him over." Zetsu said, pointing towards a more secluded corner with plush toys and pillows.

That was all that he needed to hear. Tobi rushed to his friends side and gawked at the sight of his teary eyed friend, gnawing furiously on a treat as he coped with whatever inner demons he had to deal with.  
"H-hi Deidara..."

Deidara looked at Tobi but went back to eating quickly. This thing was just too tasty! Finally his mommy made something as good as when she used to make him breast milk...

"D-Deidara, hello!"

"Yeah?"

"What's..." he pointed to the Valentine treat, "that?"

Deidara's eyes suddenly went wide. He was supposed to give the treat in his hands away, but thought he had no friends left to give it to. Only to see his last friend Tobi standing in front of him!  
"Uhhh..."

Tobi quirked his head, "everyone else has one. It's a treat? A special Valentine treat? Am I your Valentine too!?"

"Uhhhh.… well you see..." Deidara grew worried. He didn't have anything to give the other boy! What- what if Tobi told on him! Saying he didn't get one because mean Deidara was greedy. His mom always scolded him about being too greedy!  
"I don't have anymore treats..." Deidara saw the distraught look overcome Tobi's face, "BUT-BUT I have for you something else maybe?"

"Will I still get to be your Valentine?"

"Do you know what a Valentine even is?"

"Mmm... I think so..." Tobi hummed, thinking's about how earlier that morning how before his father left for work, he gave his mom lots of love while they smushed and gushed each others faces about, how they had the best Valentine in the world. If Deidara knew that though, he may get defensive and give him nothing. The blond was a ticking time bomb as much as Hidan was. "Probably... _not_ though..."

"I doubt you know if Danna doesn't even know." Deidara gave Tobi the stink eye. He then stuck out his bottom lip in thought as he tried to come up with something to give the other baby. If his mother were here, she would say to give a hug and a kiss. She was always telling him to give those to adults. However if he knew anything from that, it was that Sasori hated his kisses, but tolerated his hugs so... "You can't tell any one! Promise?"

"I promise!"

Grabbing a fistful of baby, "Ack! Ow!" Deidara dragged his friend in and have him a big sticky kiss on top of his head, then a hug.

"Oh wow..."

"You can't tell anyone!" Deidara hissed, already embarrassed he kissed the boy, but hoping he didn't like it just as much as Sasori did. "Remember!"

"..."

"You promised!"

"Okay, Okay-"

"Augh! Sheesh! What a mess, what a mess!" A worker called out checking in closer at some of the babies, "Darn that mother! The kids are all filthy... just after I spent all that time cleaning Obito too!"

The staff began collecting all the sticky babies and lined them up ready to be cleaned, that included finally Deidara as he went to hide. He didn't want a bath right now! The adults always would go and pinch his body rolls.

"Deidara! Obito!" A well rounded woman huffed as she heaved each boy in an arm, "You two are comin' with me!"

Now all collected, the babies squirmed in their baby seats so they couldn't run away. Some had Kisame's point of view where a bath was warmly welcomed, to Hidan's where there were more important things to do and play with than to bathe.

The staff ignored their pleas and wiggles as the took away their treat sticks and undressed them and wipe them off. Again, some whined because they now knew they weren't getting a bath, while the others were also whining because who wants their faces scrubbed with a wet cloth? No one!

"This one is dirty..." noted a staff as she checked each one, only needing to glance as the all organic fruity concoction dripping down their faces, hands and clothes. "This one too... Ah! Thank goodness Obito is still clean." She gushed.

Tobi stuck his nose up, proud he didn't need another bath, or the dreaded wet-cloth scrubbing. The looks on the other babies faces were the cherry on top. First a kiss from the person he admired most and now this? How could anything be better!

The woman tussled his thin black tufts with a wide smile, but recoiled that hand quickly with a deep set frown, "Why is the top of his head all sticky?"

Deidara immediately looked away.

"Where was Obito when you got him?" She asked the round woman who brought them over.

"Well? I saw him visit all the other sticky babies... he then found Deidara and stayed there. I picked 'em up together."

The woman with the sticky hand grabbed Deidara's face and tutted away at the messy ring smeared around his lips, "Were you too hungry and needed to eat your lil friend too?" she chuckled, pinching his neck rolls.

"I did not, un!" he scowled.

The other sticky babies giggled at Deidara's expense, whispering among one another.

"Tubby Deidara's so hungry- he eats babies!" Hidan sneered.

" _Ewwww_!" The baby group jeered.

"Fatty Deidara eats babies like a _dad_!" Zetsu snorts.

The other babies nodded as they recalled their fathers in particular nibbling their toes and tender flesh with their bristled faces. Even though their mothers probably did just as much nibbling, dad was the monster here. Deidara was such a parent, a mean adult...

" _Ewwww_!"

Deidara gasped in horror at the accusation, "I do not! I did not and never will! I'm never gonna be a dad!"

"Then why does he have mouth marks, huh?" Hidan asked, jeering harder.

Deidara frowned in embarrassment as all of his friends suddenly turned against him- everyone but Sasori and Kisame, as they were preoccupied with face either not caring or having their face rubbed off. What was he supposed to say to the mean one though? He kissed that weird kid Tobi? No way! What would his Danna, who clearly wasn't thinking at the moment, think? What would cool Konan think? Would Hidan bully him?

Tobi stood up and raised a hand, "I have the sticky spot because I am Deidara's Valentine."

"Duh! We all are!" Konan gawked.

"No, I'm his REAL valentine. I know what it is and I am one!"

The group of babies couldn't care less though. Of course they didn't. They didn't know what a valentine even was! Deidara however grew very red in the face, furious that Tobi had tricked him and got him to kiss him and acted all weird about it. Deidara gasped in horror! His face grew so red it was like he was a tomato ready to burst... and eventually he surely did.

"Waaaaaaaagh! I'm _never_ Valentine-ing ever again, un!"

* * *

really late. like 11 days late. but haden encouraged me to upload it. my first tobidei too wow. poor deidara. also hint of new baby zetsu wow! BYE LOSERS


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